THE CHARACTERS

There are 22 named parts with dialogue and/or solo singing

Those based at Celebrity Sanctuary . . .

Valerie Major Character Part Age: 50s	Songs:-` Duet (Sod’s Law), Solo (This could be the Time), Solo with chorus (Ever So Discreet)	Valerie is the owner-manager of Celebrity Sanctuary.  Things started to go wrong for her 10 years ago when her teenage daughter ran away. She’s been trying to make a go of it since with various business enterprises. This clinic for celebrities is the latest venture - and it looks as if this too is about to go to the wall. But now that ‘Victoria’ is coming it could mean salvation . . . the last chance for Valerie to turn her life around.  In the end: She is reconciled with her daughter.
Pat Major Character Part Age: 30s - 50s	Songs:- Duet (Sod’s Law), Solo with chorus (I Wanna be a Celebrity)	Pat is Valerie’s loyal retainer. She is optimistic, resourceful and practical but she is not very sophisticated and allows Valerie to bully her somewhat. Secretly, Pat dreams of being a celebrity. In the end: she removes her disguise to reveal that she is in fact Valerie’s cleaner from back in the days when Valerie’s daughter ran off. In fact, it was the advice that Pat gave the teenager - to ‘follow your dreams’ - that prompted the girl to run-away. And so, riven with guilt, Pat has worked by Valerie’s side for many years and now she has finally been able to orchestrate the reconciliation of mother and daughter. The final resolution is that the reporter becomes her publicist and is going to make her a real celebrity.
Melanie Medium Sized Part Age: 40s - 50s	Although Melanie has no solo singing she gets involved with much of the farce.	Melanie is a patient at the clinic. Despite her claims to the contrary, she is desperate to be unmasked as an A-list celebrity. In reality, she is no more than a D-list celebrity.
Angela Medium Sized Part Age: 40s - 50s	Songs:- Angela sings a number of solo sections in the ensemble numbers.	Angela is an ageing nymphomaniac. She is one of the few regular patients at the Celebrity Sanctuary. She is hoping they will wean her off men. In the end:  She is finally cured of her addiction, not by abstinence but by over-indulgence with the gigolo, Mario.

Those based at Sunny Seniors  . . .

Mrs Hewitt Character Cameo Age: Working age	Songs:- Solo with chorus (Tight Ship)	Mrs Hewitt runs the Old People’s Home, Sunny Seniors, as if it were a school and she its head mistress. She’s a bit of a control freak. She likes discipline and favours a healthy, Spartan, puritanical regime. In the end: She accepts that she has personality problems and checks herself into Celebrity Sanctuary for therapy.
Betty Fairly Minor Part Age: Senior citizen	No solo singing	Was once a servant in a variety of stately homes. She is mistaken for an ageing courtesan by the paparazzi.
Ellen Small to Mid-Sized Part Age: Senior citizen	No solo singing	Ellen is a little confused. She thinks she is ‘Victoria’. She is liable to give the game away and therefore needs to be kept out of the way. She is also fond of cooking with inappropriate ingredients.
Iris Medium Sized Part Age: Senior citizen	Songs:- (Mostly sung in the lower range) Patter-song solo (A rotter like me)	Pretends to be gaga, dragging a large rag doll in a cart as if it were her companion. But in fact she has been using the old people’s home as a cover for her jewellery fencing business, keeping the jewels and money in the doll. In the end: She is caught and taken off by the police
Joan Medium Sized Part Age: Senior citizen	No solo singing	One of the more compos mentis inmates at the Old People’s home. She is friendly, helpful and a bit chaotic. She takes on the role of personal therapist at the clinic, administering massage etc. She has bladder problems.
Joanna Medium Sized Part Age: Senior citizen	Songs:- Solo with chorus (Count on us)	Also one of the more compos mentis inmates at the Old People’s home. She is efficient and a natural leader. She becomes the spokesperson for the old folk. She also takes on the role of group therapist at the clinic, in charge of the ‘time lapse’ therapy.
Josephine Medium Sized Part Age: Senior citizen	Songs:- Solo with chorus (Sing-a-long therapy thing)	Another of the more on-the-ball inmates at the Old People’s home. She is a little more cynical and subversive than Joan and Joanna. She takes on the role of group therapist at the clinic, in charge of the ‘sing-a-long’ therapy.
Shirley Cousins Minor Part Age: Senior citizen	No solo singing	She breaks ranks and contacts her son to tell him she is surrounded by celebrities.
Joe Minor Part Age: Senior citizen	No solo singing	Ageing but still lascivious

Victoria’s ‘friends’ . . .

Mrs Smith (Jenny) Medium Sized Part Age: 25	Songs:- Solo (For Once in my life) Duet (Reprise of For once in my life)	Heavily disguised, she checks in as Mrs Smith although her real name is Jenny.  She is to marry soon but wants first to come to terms with her past. At 15, she ran away from home. She has been tipped off (by Pat it turns out) that her estranged mother runs the clinic and so she wants to see for herself before deciding whether to reveal herself to her mother. In the end:  She is reconciled with her mother - and destined to marry her fiancé, John and live happily ever after.
The Reporter Medium Sized Part Age: Working age	Songs:- Duet (You’ve been Papped)	Likes to think of himself as a hard nosed hack – but is pretty incompetent. He has got wind of ‘Victoria’ and arrives incognito hoping for his big scoop. Checks in under the name of Mr Sylvester. In the end: He decides to become a Max Clifford-like publicist and resolves to make Pat a celebrity.
John Medium Sized Part Age:  Late 20s – early 30s	Songs:- Duet (Reprise of For once in my life) Also, John sings a number of solo sections and duets in the ensemble numbers.	Jenny’s jealous fiancé who has followed her to the clinic suspecting her of infidelity. Checks in under the assumed name of John Popalopadus. In the end:  He lives happily ever after with Jenny.
Mario Medium Sized Part Age:  20s – 30s	Songs:- Mario sings a number of solo sections and duets in the ensemble numbers.	Angela’s latest weakness. He checks in under the assumed name of Mr Smith. In the end:  He gets together with the photographer in order to form a fashion magazine.

Other characters  . . .

Jerry Jackal the Jewel Thief Fairly Small part but includes major comedy episode Age: Any age (ideally 10 years younger than Melanie)	No solo singing	Iris’s not-too-bright accomplice. Appears towards the end in order to deliver newly-stolen jewels to Iris. In the end: He is caught and taken off by the police – but Melanie is going to become a prison visitor and visit him.
The workman Medium Sized Part Age: Working age	No solo singing	A bungling but ever-optimistic workman.
Adrian Cousins Fairly Minor Part Age: 50s – 60s	No solo singing	He appears with his extended family, all pretending to visit mother but clearly desperate to touch the famous.
The Photographer Medium Sized Part Age: Working age	Songs:- Duet (You’ve been Papped)	Is smuggled in by the reporter.  Is clearly in the wrong job – he would much prefer to be a fashion photographer. In the end: He gets together with Mario to form a fashion magazine.
Policeman Very Minor Part Age: Working age	No solo singing