ENTER R the reporter followed by the photographer who has been hiding in the garden. He has with him photographic lenses ranging in length from long to very long, all feebly disguised eg in brown wrapping paper.


The photographer        Where the hell have you been? I’ve been out in that garden freezing my nuts off for the last 3 hours and I . . .


The reporter                 (stage whisper) Shhh!  You’ll wake everyone up. We’re supposed to be covert. This is our big break and you’re going to ruin it.


The photographer        OK, OK. If anyone comes, I’ll say I’m . . .


The reporter                 What are all these?


The photographer        My lenses of course.


The reporter                 They’re all wrapped up.


The photographer        You said to come disguised.


The reporter                 How are you going to get compromising shots of Victoria with those? By the time you’ve got one of those cocked and ready she’ll have her toes dry and her kit back on.


The photographer        You’re the reporter. I thought you were going to interview her. Properly. You know, like David Dimbleby. I can’t just leap in and take pictures you know. I need to get the lighting right..


The reporter                 Need to get the lighting right? You’ve never really got the hang of this paparazzi thing have you? There’s no time to be artistic. It’s got to be wham bam. You’ve got to get in, shoot and leave, faster than a grammatically correct panda.


The photographer        Where’s the creative freedom in that? How can I reach Victoria’s inner soul with wham bam?


The reporter                 I think we’d better practise.