Copyright © 2005-2006 Wortley


 Count on Us

Joanna and Chorus


During the song the old folk discard the trappings of old age (sticks, Zimmer frames etc) in exchange for dark glasses and other accessories to make them look like celebrities – all handed out by Pat. Joan, Joanna and Josephine are each given nurse-like staff uniforms.


Joanna                        No need to worry

No need to fret

None so keen as a

Sunny Senior


Set us to work and

You won’t regret

Trusting old folk to amaze


We’ll play our part as each one arrives

Soon as we see them we will flatter and praise


We know their secrets

We know their lives

We know their celebrity ways


Chorus                        Repeat the above


Joanna                        We will chat about earnings with celebrity cooks

While Joan here is rubbing their backs

And we will mention how stunning  each celebrity looks

While crystals and stones help them relax


Who’s seeing who in the celebrity world

And whether they do Tantric sex

And which celebrity boy has a celebrity girl

Who's up for three in a bed with his ex.


Women                       His ex?

Men                            Lucky boy.


Chorus                        Repeat ‘No need to worry’


Chorus                        Old folks should act their age

That’s understood

But deception is all the rage

So let’s try faking it good


None of us is old as such

Now we’ve heard the call

Watch us ditch the crutch


Cheer us. We’re marching once more

Stick near us ‘cause we know the score

Fear us. (We are here).  Dad’s army’s at war


We’ll be secret squirrel, secret agents

(hush, hush hush)

and won’t act our age.


Joanna                        Leave things to us

Don’t make a fuss

The guests will find nothing amiss

We’ve got off pat

Celebrity chat

If you doubt us then listen to this


Chorus                        My anorexia

Hardly shows

Drugs make me sexier 

But coke gets up my nose 

I’m seen

With Charlie Sheen

In Hello Magazine

Chilling out at the yacht club

Or down the Casino

Or sharing a hot tub

With Quentin Tarantino