Copyright © 2005-2006 Wortley

Musical number 8

Ever so Discreet

Chorus and Valerie

Unseen by Valerie and the new arrivals, the old folk try to take pictures of all the new arrivals. They manage to hide their cameras in time to concur with Valerie when she says there are no cameras on the premises. In the last verse, the old folk are spotted by Pat who confiscates the cameras and dumps them in the waste paper basket.

Valerie (spoken over the introduction to the song)

Well . . . John, I do hope you’ll enjoy your recovery period with us here in the sanctuary.

Valerie (sung)

                                    Step through the door and wave the punters goodbye

For this is a fortress where the press cannot pry

And discretion’s assured

And transgressions ignored.

And the media never invade.

No bugs in your bed

And nothing that’s said

Gets printed unless you’ve been paid

Yes, the game is in hand

The press understand

That cameras with priapic lenses that expand are banned, so

Pat ushers John off R as the chorus sing . . .

Chorus                        Step through the door. We’re here to serve the elite

You can be sure we’re ever so, ever so discreet

Valerie (spoken over music)

                                    This is getting to be rather exciting

The door bell rings

                                    That’ll be the next one. Are you all ready?

ENTER L Mario escorted by Pat.

                                    And you are?

Mario                          (spoken over music)

Mr Smith

Mario                          (spoken over music)

(alarmed) ‘Mr Smith’. Goodness, you and Victoria must be very good friends. I’m afraid we don’t allow room-sharing at Celebrity Sanctuary.

Mario shrugs, puzzled

But we’ll put you in nearby rooms and I’m sure you’ll find time to get together. It must be difficult, finding yourselves some privacy. (confidentially) But we won’t breath a word.

Valerie & Chorus (sung)

We never saw you. We don’t have stories to sell

Step through the door and escape from kiss and tell hell

Valerie                        There’s no need to fear

Someone from here

Slagging you off for a laugh

Chorus                        There’s a contract to sign

With clauses each line

Gagging each member of staff

Valerie                        If things you confide

Get repeated outside

Their tongues are cut out and preserved in formaldehyde, so

Pat ushers Mario  off R  as the chorus sing . . .

Chorus                        Step through the door. We’re here to serve the elite

You can be sure we’re ever so, ever so discreet

Valerie (spoken over music)

                                    Fantastic. Victoria, one friend and one ‘friend’.

The door bell rings

                                    Another one. (to the old folk) Come on celebs – keep it up.

ENTER L The reporter escorted by Pat.

Valerie                        How lovely. You must be another ‘friend of Mrs Smith’. I can tell.

The reporter               (spoken over music)

(alarmed) Is that like being ‘a friend of Dorothy’? Look. I haven’t come here to . . .

Valerie                          (misunderstanding) . . . to have stereotypes thrown in your face. Don’t worry. We understand completely. You have a public persona – a theatrical image – but it’s all a ruse isn’t it? - an affectation. Well, we won’t tell anyone. You can be as straight as you like behind the closed doors of Celebrity Sanctuary. We let everyone be themselves.

Chorus                        If you can’t afford to be seen loosing your grip

Valerie (sung)

Step through the door and let your public mask slip

‘Cause we’re blind and we’re deaf if

a top TV chef

dines on beans and stale baguette

Chorus                        We never debunk

a sultan of punk

who likes listening to Tammy Wynette

Valerie                        In public you’re fey

                                    and famously gay

                                    but where on your IPOD are Judy and Doris Day?

Pat ushers The reporter off R as the chorus sing . . .

Valerie and Chorus    Step through the door. We’re here to serve the elite

You can be sure

Yes, you can be sure

Won’t you please be assured

Chorus                        We’re ever so, ever so, ever so, ever so

Ever so, ever so, ever so, ever so

Please

Valerie and Chorus    be assured we’re

Ever so, ever so, ever so, ever so

Ever so, ever so discreet.