Copyright © 2005-2006 Wortley

 

Musical number 16

I think I need a little operation Ė Waltz

For Chorus

 

Valerie                          (spoken over introduction)
Alas, theyíre all feeling their age these days.

 

Old folk                         (sung)

                                      I think I need a little operation

As the years rush by thatís how to bid for more

I need knees with more elastic

And valves made out of plastic

Ďcause nothing really works the way it did before

 

I think I need a little operation

Else I might what half my bits are for

Stick an implant in my ear

and then, perhaps, Iíll hear

And with artificial hips Iíll do the splits once more.

 

Whilst the music continues quietly, ENTER Melanie R. Before she can take in the old folk being old, Mr Cousins points at her.

 

Mr Cousins                (spoken)

                                    Sheís not old! Sheís a celebrity!

 

Melanie feigns indignation at being exposed and rapidly EXITS L.

 

Joanna                          (spoken)
No, no Mr Cousins. Itís just her new tablets. Impressive arenít they. Weíve already signed her to the Pfizer.  Itís a big sponsorship deal.

 

ENTER L Pat quickly. Pat gestures to Valerie that someone is coming down the stairs.

 

Pat                               (whispering)  Mrs Smith!

 

Valerie                          (spoken)
Perhaps, Mr Cousins, you and your family would all like to take your mother for a turn in the garden?

 

Pat bustles Mr Cousins and family along and they EXEUNT R. Immediately the chorus switch props as Jenny, (still disguised as Mrs Smith) ENTERS L.

 

Old folk                       (sung)

                                    I think I need a little operation

The scales show far more ounces than before

 

Meanwhile, Valerie has been keeping her eye out. She sees that Mr Cousins and his family are coming back so she rather forcefully guides Mrs Smith off toward stage L

 

Valerie                        (spoken)

                                    Did I ever show you the kitchens Mrs Smith?

 

Pat ENTERS R with Mr Cousins and his family. The chorus all switch back to being old again.

 

Old folk                       (sung)

                                    I need knees with more elastic

And valves made out of plastic

Ďcause nothing really works the way it did before

 

ENTER Valerie L

 

Valerie                        (spoken)

                                    Well goodbye now Mr Cousins. Do drop by again.

 

Mr Cousins and the his family EXEUNT L, firmly lead by Pat.

 

Thereís a pause in the song as everyone relaxes. But then THE DOORBELL RINGS.

EXIT L Valerie. The old folk all starts to switch back to being a celebrity

 

Old folk                       (sung)

                                    I think I need a little operation

 

but Valerie ENTERS L in a hurry.

 

Valerie                        (spoken)

                                    Itís Mrs Hewitt!

 

The chorus switch once again to being old. Ellen, though,  forgets to take her glasses off. ENTER L Mrs Hewitt.

 

Old folk                       (sung)

                                    Once I mod my bod Iíll feel a surge of life.

 

Mrs Hewitt                   (spoken)

                                      I just came to tell you all that we should be ready to take you back in the morning. Is everyone alright?

 

General assent.

 

                                    (spoken)

                                    Ellen. Why are you wearing dark glasses?

 

Valerie                          (spoken)

We had her polishing the silver Ė and she found she was getting too much glare off it. Well, that is good news Mrs Hewitt. I look forward to seeing you in the morning.

 

Valerie more or less man-handles Mrs Hewitt towards the door. EXIT L Valerie and Mrs Hewitt.

 

Everyone is exhausted. They sing a final version of the song.

 

Old folk                       (sung)

                                    I need to start afresh

So cut and paste my flesh

Itís time to get an upgrade from the surgeonís knife