Copyright © 2005-2006 Wortley

 

Musical number 11

You havenít seen me

A farcical piece for John, Jenny, Angela, Mario, the photographer and Valerie

 

What follows is farce set to music - a mixture of recitative, song and underscored dialogue.

 

ENTER R John. He is making a phone call on his mobile

 

John                            (spoken over music)

No I canít talk any louder. Because she might hear me. . . . Yes I know she's a lovely girl but thatís not the point. No I'm not paranoid
. . . Mother will you listen! Because I followed her here that's how I know.

 

                                    (sung)

Yes, it was Jenny.

Mum, you know that I adore her

But I saw her!

She checked in as Mrs Smith.

Very iffy, Mrs Smith

Ever so discreet

But I know she's here to cheat.

Ever so discreet, she's here to cheat.

Ever so discreet, she's here to cheat.

Ever so discreet, she's here to cheat!

 

And I know who he is 

I overheard him plotting

She plans to meet him here.

Perhaps she's hiding near.

She plans to meet him here.

Perhaps she's hiding near.

Sheíll meet him here.

She's hiding near.

I fear theyíll do it here.

 

John starts towards the doors at the back but then hears someone coming so he hides behind the desk.

 

ENTER R Mario.

 

Mario                          (sung)

                                    So, here is Mario

I am ready to impress you

And possess you

Who needs Richard Gere

When Sweetheart, here I am

You shall be my ewe

And I shall be your ram

Who needs Richard Gere. Here I am

Who needs Richard Gere. Here I am

Who needs Richard Gere. Here I am

 

Mario starts unbuttoning his shirt as he EXITS into the office (ie the wrong room)

John leaps up from behind the desk and bangs on the door of the office.

 

John                            (sung)

                                    I know youíre there

                                    I know your game

 

Mario ENTERS from the office with an unbuttoned shirt.

 

Mario                          (sung)

What do you know?

 

John                            (sung)

You and Mrs Smith.

Have you no shame?

Donít you play dumb

Out you come!

 

ENTER the photographer from the office

 

John                            (spoken)

Who the hell are you!?

 

John looks into the office to check no-one else is there.

 

The photographer      (spoken)

Iím the ummm builder Ė Iím looking for dry rot.

 

Mario                           (spoken)

Ah well. Iíd love to stay and chat Ė but business before pleasure.

 

Mario smiles at the photographer and EXITS to the storage room.

 

The photographer      (spoken)

If youíll excuse me

 

The photographer  EXITS back into the office shutting the door.

 

John is bemused Ė but then realises the possibilities of storage room. He knocks on the door.

 

John                            (sung)

                                    I know youíre there

                                    I know your game

 

Mario ENTERS from the storage room without a shirt on.

 

Mario                          (sung across John)

What do you know?

This is getting tedious, repetitive, monotonous.

 

John                            (sung)

You and Mrs Smith.

I know thatís not her name.

Donít you play dumb

Out you come!

 

ENTER Angela from the storage room - half dressed. John looks in past her to check thereís no-one else there.

 

Angela                          (spoken, flirtatiously)   Well, what have we got here? Youíre all fired up, arenít you. Anything I can do to help?

 

Mario                           (spoken)

                                      Well, it looks like Mario has been forgotten already. So, Mario will now go and take care of his needs in here.

 

Mario EXITS into the lavatory.

 

John                            (spoken)

Iím sorry . . .

 

Angela                        (spoken)

                                    No need to be sorry Darling.

 

John                            (spoken)

I thought you were . . . I thought you were Mrs Smith.

 

Angela                        (spoken)

Mrs Smith?  No canít help you there. Unless you mean that strange woman in a scarf. I did see her earlier. She went in there.

 

John                            (spoken)

Right thatís it!

 

John bangs on the lavatory door. 

 

John                            (sung)

No you donít

 

The lavatory door opens and Mario who is doing up his flies starts to ENTER. 

 

John                            (sung)

                                    Oh no you donít

 

John pulls Mario out and EXITS into the lavatory looking for Mrs Smith. Meanwhile Mario looses his temper . . .

 

Mario                          (spoken)

Mario has had enough of this.

 

Mario punches John as he ENTERS from the lavatory. John Falls back into the lavatory out of sight. The door stays open.

 

Angela                        (sung)

                                    At last, a real man.

                                    To make me feel like new.

                                    Come on, letís do it

                                    Here and now

 

Mario                          (sung)

Here?

 

Angela                        (sung)

And now

 

Mario                          (sung)

Here and now!

No wait. Someoneís coming.

 

Angela EXITS into the storage room pulling Mario in with her.

 

ENTER R Valerie and Jenny. Valerie is very attentive.

 

Valerie                        (sung)

Please there is no need

                                    To be hiding in the garden

In just a cardigan.

Itís freezing

                                    Mrs Smith

Very chilly, Mrs Smith.

 

As Valerie sings, they move stage L.  Behind them, the audience sees a long telephoto lens appear through the window in the office door and follow them both across the room.

 

                                    Come inside the house

Where weíll keep you safe and sound

Cameras canít be found for miles around

Cameras canít be found for miles around

Cameras canít be found for miles around

 

The lens disappears back into the office.

 

EXEUNT L Valerie and Jenny. At the same time, Mario ENTERS from the storage room buttoning his shirt.

 

Mario                          (sung)

                                    Iím sorry Sweetheart

                                    Itís no joke

                                    This to-ing and fro-ing

                                    Has put me off my stroke!

 

                                    (spoken)

                                    Maybe tomorrow, Sweetheart.

 

Mario EXITS R. Angela ENTERS from the storage room Ė still half dressed and holding the rest of her clothes.

 

Angela                        (sung)

                                    Typical, typical, typical, typical,

                                    Typical, typical, typical, typical,

                                    Man!

 

Angela looks through the open door into the lavatory

 

                                    (spoken)

                                    No, even I draw the line at semi-conscious